weightless

the weight of knowing what was going to happen but having to experience it anyway. the brain grasps for control. then feels like a victim, because that too is control. and then says okay next time i will do better - more control. it's all just fucking control. i never had control over a single thing. i felt the tides turning, and at best, i tried to navigate in a way that was smooth rather than jarring. but taking that "responsibility" then becomes a burden for the brain to reconcile. because it has to reconcile all the other possibilities, what did not occur, what it could not measure, and what probability actually was. it cannot. it fails. so inevitably - the grief and disappointment either way. grief for having tried. grief for having not tried. the control is an added layer. you think you are averting grief by "acting" swiftly. all you have done is created some noise. all you have done is tried to stop the blow. the blow was coming regardless. there was nothing you could do about it. what would it feel like - to just, simply, accept?